theatlantic:

What If Herman Cain Had a Kill List?

Scene: Herman Cain is grinning as he enters the Situation Room, carrying enough Godfather’s Pizza for everyone present — and to everyone’s horror, Rich Lowrie is there at his side. 

JOHN BRENNAN: Before we begin, Mr. Cain, a question.

CAIN: (glancing at a note card) Islom Karimov!

BRENNAN: Huh?

CLINTON: (amused) That’s the president of Uzbekistan. 

BRENNAN: Jesus. 

CAIN: I think that we ought to be able to kill 9 terrorists from 9 different countries in 9 minutes. Is there any reason we can’t do that?

BRENNAN:That isn’t exactly how it works, Mr. Cain, we can’t —

CAIN: Excuse me, I was talking to my man Rich. As I said during my campaign, I’m going to rely on my national security advisers, and I’m not going to let Washington insiders keep making all the decisions.  

BRENNAN: I was just explaining that someone has gone to fetch the next batch of photos, so we have to at least wait —

CAIN: What about that guy? Looks to me like he’s a fan of sharia law. 

CLINTON: (texts “OMG” to Brennan).

Read more. [Image: Reuters, Kasia Cieplak-Mayr von Baldegg]

A one-act play of GOP fan fiction, by Conor Friedersdorf.